It's Pronounced Metrosexual

Love & Equality: Zero Tolerance For Intolerance [BADGE]

Sam Killermann — Fri, 17 May 2013 17:50:33 +0000

If you see this badge, it means that the person, website, or social media page that shared it is a safe space for people of all identities. They are taking an active advocacy stance in whatever work they are doing and will not tolerate pejorative language or other bigoted behavior in their space.

If you want to make it clear to your community that you are dedicated to making it a safe, inclusive, welcoming space, use the images below (code included) in any way you would like to do so.

I created these to recognize International Day Against Homophobia (IDAHO), but wanted to create something that could exist beyond a single day. Allyship is a lifelong commitment, but it starts with one day.

There are transparent and solid background options for each image. And down below there are high resolution versions of the three main options.

300px X 300px

Color on Transparent

Color on White

Black on Transparent

Black on White

White on Transparent

White on Black

800px X 800px

Terms of Use and Thanks

The “terms of use” for this image is simple: use them however you’d like, just don’t sell them. That’s it. You can modify it, not link to my site, link to someone else’s site — I really don’t care. Just don’t sell it (on a t-shirt, poster, printed in a book, etc.) and I’ll be a happy camper. If you have an idea for use and you’re not sure (cuz it’s grey in the “selling” area), just get in touch.

And finally, a huge thanks to @michnic on Twitter for encouraging me to make these!

9+ Silly Gender Comics I drew in 5 Minutes or Less

Sam Killermann — Wed, 15 May 2013 01:19:45 +0000

I made all of these comics for my book. Some of them will be in there. Some won’t make the cut. And many more that aren’t here will (and will end up being posted here after the book comes out). Hope they give you a gender-equity giggle.

My TED Talk: Understanding the Complexities of Gender

Sam Killermann — Sun, 05 May 2013 17:34:36 +0000

I recently had the honor of being asked to give a TEDx talk all about gender. You can watch the video below, and see as I try to condense hundreds of pages of my book into 16 minutes of comprehensible, enjoyable, and sometimes-rhyming words. What’s your favorite part? Any feedback? Let me know in the comments on this page!

Gender Book Coming Soon!

Sam Killermann — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 04:51:25 +0000

Update: the Indiegogo project has reached its goal! Click below for more info or to pre-order a copy!

Hey folks! Great news! (if you’re a fan of my work, otherwise “bad news!”)

I wrote a book. It’s a guide to gender, from a social justice perspective. It’s a couple hundred pages of in-depth explorations of gender (going beyond the Genderbread Person), social justice how-tos & best practices, and (of course) dozens of adorable doodles and silly graphics. Some of what comprises the book you may have seen in some undeveloped form here, but you’ll also find a ton of new goodness to cook your mind potatoes.

If it proves to be helpful, desirable, and/or popular, it will be the first of many in a series of handbooks. Currently, I’m wrapping up edits with a wonderful editorial team, and am ready to move toward publishing.

I haven’t yet decided how I’m going to publish the book, but here are the criteria I’m working from:

Have a free version of the book available for electronic download (accessibility is always priority #1)
High-quality print option that will do my doodles justice
Get it from my head into as many of your hands as quickly and easily as possible

The first goal is one that the two traditional publishers I’m in talks with aren’t thrilled about (understandably so). And the second and third make self-publishing less appealing. I’m doing my best to find some compromise that ultimately most benefits my readership.

If you’re interested in being kept in the loop as I make my decision, click here to sign up to receive email updates as I move forward.

I’m really excited about this, and hope you are, too.

Yours in peace, love, & gender equity,

P.S. If you want to do me a solid, share the image below on Facebook, Twitter, or MySpace (actually, just the first two, please — I don’t want to taint my yet-to-be-released first book).

30+ Examples of Masculine Dude (“Bro”) Privilege

Sam Killermann — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 23:00:43 +0000

I’ve written a few privilege lists, several of which are about privileged identities I possess. They are serious articles that provide a couple hundred examples of systemic oppression (in the US and elsewhere). This article is not that.

I ask that you please humor me as I take a moment to address the many privileges I don’t have access to, due to my gender expression/ metrosexuality. Also, please note that this list is equal parts true and funny-because-it’s-true (think of it like that expression “I’m just kidding, but seriously.”), but not meant to stand against the other privilege lists. It’s more of an autobiographical reflection on my metrosexuality — a lot of things that came up as I was writing my forthcoming book about gender — presented in a familiar way. Now, in true privilege list format…

Following is a list of privileges granted to masculine dudes (i.e., a “bro”) based on their bro-ness. Odds are, if you’re a bro, you don’t realize you have exclusive access to these things, and bro about your day unbroknownst to the brovantages you broceive.

If you’re a masculine dude…

You have never thought you dated someone for several weeks, only to find out that the whole time she thought you were just her “Gay Bee-Eff-Eff!”
And that has definitely never happened twice. In the same semester. Your first year of college.
When confronting a girl you thought you dated by saying, “But we made out!” you’ve never had to attempt to make sense of the onion-of-layered-confusion response, “I just thought that’s what all gay people did.” Actually, you’ve never had to do the first part, so moot point.
You don’t consider and reconsider your sock choice before a first date, debating wearing what seems right to you (teal argyle to complement your salmon pants) or what is least likely to result in your date deciding you’re too femme or gay (white socks with grey shoes — try not to vomit).
Similarly, you never feel pressured to tone down your gender expression in your clothing choices. And you definitely don’t have a personal rule that “only the top OR the bottom can be feminine” (not counting shoes and accessories, of course) (also, not that ”top” and “bottom”).
If you’re straight, you can reasonably assume that people will correctly assume your sexuality, and don’t find yourself constantly having to “come out” as straight.
If you’re straight, you’ve never had someone argue with you (or attempt to “correct” you) when you tell them your sexuality (“No, I think the word you’re looking for is ‘queer’, son.”).
If you’re straight, you’ve never had to deal with the awkwardness of being set-up on a surprise date with someone-you-know’s gay friend.
You don’t have a monthly ”hair product” budget. And you definitely never find yourself raising the debt ceiling on your monthly ”hair product” budget.
You feel comfortable wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt as an “outfit,” instead of considering that to be what you wear while coordinating an outfit.
You’ve never felt the need to say the phrase “coordinating an outfit.”
You generally receive clothing as gifts that you could actually see yourself wearing.
It’s easy to find “men’s” clothing that aligns with your style/wants, and fits in a comfortable way.
It’s easy for you to choose an outfit for an event based on the dress code (e.g., formal = suit and tie; business casual = khakis and polo), and you don’t have to ask a series of clarifying questions (e.g., “how onboard are we with light scarves?”) to avoid offending the host.
It’s also easy to find men in movies and television shows whose gender expression and sexuality align with yours, and who aren’t just the butt-end of a joke (admittedly, this is getting much easier in the past couple years than it was when I was growing up — thanks R. Gos!).
You have genuinely wondered, from a position of true ignorance, “why do women wear high heels if they are so uncomfortable?”
Accordingly, you’ve never worn pants that were so tight you called them “Yoko” because they broke up “the band.”
“Grooming” is getting your hair cut once a month, and occasionally shaving, not a daily, multi-tool, elaborate science.
You likely don’t feel the need to own any of the following: tweezers, blackhead extractor, nail file, conditioner, mousse, blowdryer, facial moisturizer.
“Facial moisturizer” is a punchline to a “that’s what she said” joke, not a nail-biting cliffhanging thought you can’t get out of your head as you consider what you may have forgotten to pack while on a flight to perform in Phoenix.
You’re not constantly aware/sensitive to how you smell. Though, to be frank, everyone else is (stinko).
People don’t assume they can ask you to help them go shopping, and force you to either acknowledge their stereotyping of you or lie on principle and pretend you won’t love that.
You never find yourself pretending to be interested in sports you don’t care about, which leads to awkward conversations where you are weighing in on things you know nothing about, but have developed a vague-but-specific method of conversing that keeps you under cover (albeit stressfully so): “Yeah, they’re looking pretty good this year, at least compared to previous years and/or other teams that play sport in this arena.”
You can wear a sports jersey without people thinking you’re being ironic.
People are never so surprised when it turns out you’re actually good at sports that they start to question their sobriety.
When people realize you own a hammer (or other tools), they don’t assume they were part of some Village People-esque halloween costume, but instead assume you know how to use them to, you know, hammer stuff.
Similarly, people aren’t surprised when you’re into any “bro” stuff (e.g., beer, video games, science, wearing socks with sandals).
You never have to translate the words that pop into your head (e.g., “cute cardigan”) into brocceptable terminology before saying them (e.g., “solid sweater”).
You’ve never been beaten up because of your gender expression. Though, in seriousness, it’s likely that the pressures of bro-ness led to some of my (and my metro brethren’s) many adolescent beatings, and some of the aggressors were just as afflicted by gender role pressures as I was.
Similarly serious, you never feel pressured to participate in objectifying, borderline misogynistic conversations about women that make you uncomfortable, for fear of people questioning your manhood if you don’t.
People don’t laugh when you describe yourself as a “real man,” thinking it’s a joke, because EVERYTHING IS AN EFFING JOKE TO SOME PEOPLE!
Other metrosexual guys out there, feel free to share more examples in the comments below (:

Additions from readers:

“You don’t ever have to worry if your v neck is too low, because chances are the only v necks you own are undershirts.” (from Zak, my actual brother! )
“You’ve never had to move your family to a bigger apartment so that you could have your own closet and bathroom.”

P.S. Hope you didn’t take that too seriously and it was fun for both of us.
P.P.S. That’s what my first college “girlfriend” told me after we “broke up.”

Comprehensive List of LGBTQ+ Term Definitions

Sam Killermann — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 23:46:01 +0000

Note: some definitions here may include words you aren’t familiar with, or have been taught a flawed or incomplete definition for; I’ve likely defined those words somewhere else in the list, but if I missed one bring it up in the comments below. Also, be sure to correct me in the comments if I misstepped.

LGBPTTQQIIAA+: any combination of letters attempting to represent all the identities in the queer community, this near-exhaustive one (but not exhaustive) represents Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Pansexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Intergender, Asexual, Ally

Advocate: a person who actively works to end intolerance, educate others, and support social equity for a group

Ally: a straight person who supports queer people

Androgyny: (1) a gender expression that has elements of both masculinity and femininity; (2) occasionally used in place of “intersex” to describe a person with both female and male anatomy

Androsexual/Androphilic: attracted to males, men, and/or masculinity

Asexual: a person who generally does not experience sexual attraction (or very little) to any group of people

Bigender: a person who fluctuates between traditionally “woman” and “man” gender-based behavior and identities, identifying with both genders (and sometimes a third gender)

Binary Gender: a traditional and outdated view of gender, limiting possibilities to “man” and “woman”

Binary Sex: a traditional and outdated view of sex, limiting possibilities to “female” or “male”

Biological sex: the physical anatomy and gendered hormones one is born with, generally described as male, female, or intersex, and often confused with gender

Bisexual: a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction to people of their own gender as well as another gender; often confused for and used in place of “pansexual”

Cisgender: a description for a person whose gender identity, gender expression, and biological sex all align (e.g., man, masculine, and male)

Cis-man: a person who identifies as a man, presents himself masculinely, and has male biological sex, often referred to as simply “man”

Cis-woman: a person who identifies as a woman, presents herself femininely, and has female biological sex, often referred to as simply “woman”

Closeted: a person who is keeping their sexuality or gender identity a secret from many (or any) people, and has yet to “come out of the closet”

Coming Out: the process of revealing your sexuality or gender identity to individuals in your life; often incorrectly thought to be a one-time event, this is a lifelong and sometimes daily process; not to be confused with “outing”

Cross-dressing: wearing clothing that conflicts with the traditional gender expression of your sex and gender identity (e.g., a man wearing a dress) for any one of many reasons, including relaxation, fun, and sexual gratification; often conflated with transsexuality

Drag King: a person who consciously performs “masculinity,” usually in a show or theatre setting, presenting an exaggerated form of masculine expression, often times done by a woman; often confused with “transsexual” or “transvestite”

Drag Queen: a person who consciously performs “femininity,” usually in a show or theatre setting, presenting an exaggerated form of feminine expression, often times done by a man; often confused with “transsexual” or “transvestite”

Dyke: a derogatory slang term used for lesbian women; reclaimed by many lesbian women as a symbol of pride and used as an in-group term

Faggot: a derogatory slang term used for gay men; reclaimed by many gay men as a symbol of pride and used as an in-group term

Female: a person with a specific set of sexual anatomy (e.g., 46,XX phenotype, vagina, ovaries, uterus, breasts, higher levels of estrogen, fine body hair) pursuant to this label

Fluid(ity): generally with another term attached, like gender-fluid or fluid-sexuality, fluid(ity) describes an identity that is a fluctuating mix of the options available (e.g., man and woman, gay and straight); not to be confused with “transitioning”

FTM/MTF: a person who has undergone medical treatments to change their biological sex (Female To Male, or Male To Female), often times to align it with their gender identity; often confused with “trans-man”/”trans-woman”

Gay: a term used to describe a man who is attracted to men, but often used and embraced by women to describe their same-sex relationships as well

Gender Expression: the external display of gender, through a combination of dress, demeanor, social behavior, and other factors, generally measured on a scale of masculinity and femininity

Gender Identity: the internal perception of an individual’s gender, and how they label themselves

Genderless: a person who does not identify with any gender

Genderqueer: (1) a blanket term used to describe people whose gender falls outside of the gender binary; (2) a person who identifies as both a man and a woman, or as neither a man nor a woman; often used in exchange with “transgender”

Gynesexual/Gynephilic: attracted to females, women, and/or femininity

Hermaphrodite: an outdated medical term used to describe someone who is intersex; not used today as it is considered to be medically stigmatizing, and also misleading as it means a person who is 100% male and female, a biological impossibility for humans

Heterosexism: behavior that grants preferential treatment to heterosexual people, reinforces the idea that heterosexuality is somehow better or more “right” than queerness, or ignores/doesn’t address queerness as existing

Heterosexual: a medical definition for a person who is attracted to someone with the other gender (or, literally, biological sex) than they have; often referred to as “straight”

Homophobia: fear, anger, intolerance, resentment, or discomfort with queer people, often focused inwardly as one begins to question their own sexuality

Homosexual: a medical definition for a person who is attracted to someone with the same gender (or, literally, biological sex) they have, this is considered an offensive/stigmatizing term by many members of the queer community; often used incorrectly in place of “lesbian” or “gay”

Hypersex(ual/-ity): a sexual attraction with intensity bordering on insatiability or addiction; recently dismissed as a non-medical condition by the American Psychiatric Association when it was proposed to be included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders version 5.

Intersex: a person with a set of sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit within the labels of female or male (e.g., 47,XXY phenotype, uterus, and penis)

Male: a person with a specific set of sexual anatomy (e.g., 46,XY phenotype, penis, testis, higher levels of testosterone, coarse body hair, facial hair) pursuant to this label

Outing [someone]: when someone reveals another person’s sexuality or gender identity to an individual or group, often without the person’s consent or approval; not to be confused with “coming out”

Pansexual: a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction for members of all gender identities/expressions

Queer: (1) historically, this was a derogatory slang term used to identify LGBTQ+ people; (2) a term that has been embraced and reclaimed by the LGBTQ+ community as a symbol of pride, representing all individuals who fall out of the gender and sexuality “norms”

Questioning: the process of exploring one’s own sexual orientation, investigating influences that may come from their family, religious upbringing, and internal motivations

Same Gender Loving (SGL): a phrase coined by the African American/Black queer communities used as an alternative for “gay” and “lesbian” by people who may see those as terms of the White queer community

Sexual Orientation: the type of sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction one feels for others, often labeled based on the gender relationship between the person and the people they are attracted to; often mistakenly referred to as “sexual preference”

Sexual Preference: (1) generally when this term is used, it is being mistakenly interchanged with “sexual orientation,” creating an illusion that one has a choice (or “preference”) in who they are attracted to; (2) the types of sexual intercourse, stimulation, and gratification one likes to receive and participate in

Skoliosexual: attracted to genderqueer and transsexual people and expressions (people who aren’t identified as cisgender)

Straight: a man or woman who is attracted to people of the other binary gender than themselves; often referred to as “heterosexual”

Third Gender: (1) a person who does not identify with the traditional genders of “man” or “woman,” but identifies with another gender; (2) the gender category available in societies that recognize three or more genders

Transgender: a blanket term used to describe all people who are not cisgender; occasionally used as “transgendered” but the “ed” is misleading, as it implies something happened to the person to make them transgender, which is not the case

Transitioning: a term used to describe the process of moving from one sex/gender to another, sometimes this is done by hormone or surgical treatments

Transsexual: a person whose gender identity is the binary opposite of their biological sex, who may undergo medical treatments to change their biological sex, often times to align it with their gender identity, or they may live their lives as the opposite sex; often confused with “trans-man”/”trans-woman”

Transvestite: a person who dresses as the binary opposite gender expression (“cross-dresses”) for any one of many reasons, including relaxation, fun, and sexual gratification; often called a “cross-dresser,” and often confused with “transsexual”

Trans-man: a person who was assigned a female sex at birth, but identifies as a man; often confused with “transsexual man” or “FTM”

Trans-woman: a person who was assigned a male sex at birth, but identifies as a woman; often confused with “transsexual woman” or “MTF”

Two-Spirit: a term traditionally used by Native American people to recognize individuals who possess qualities or fulfill roles of both genders

5 Reasons Why So Many People Believe Feminism Hates Men and Why They’re Not True

Sam Killermann — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 06:10:45 +0000

I originally wrote the following article for Everyday Feminism. You can view that here.

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”

Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today. It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.

Feminism doesn’t hate men.

So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.

#1 Because Some Individual Feminists Hate Men

Surprised to hear me say that? It’s true. There’s no point in avoiding it, so we might as well start with it. Just look around the internet.

In 30 seconds on Google, I found this article (first page of my first search about “radical feminism”) and this delightful collection of quotes (my favorite: “To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo.” Thanks for the gem, Valerie Solanas.).

You don’t have to look very hard to find examples of “feminists” who hate men.

But there’s a difference between “feminists” and “misandrists.”

Ever heard the term misandrist? It’s like misogynist but for hating men instead of women.

Yes, misandrist is a word. But feminist doesn’t mean “person who hates men.” Feminist means “person who believes people should have equitable places in society regardless of their gender.”

Some feminists may be misandrists. I linked to a couple above. But it’s by no means a criterion to join the club.

A portion does not equal the whole, even if that portion is really loud.

Though they’re not even that loud, but can seem so because anti-feminists like to cherry pick quotes and ignore the much greater number of feminist writings, people, and organizations that say otherwise.

Some individual feminists hate men. A lot of feminists might hate men. You might even argue based on what you find on the internet that most feminists hate men. It’s irrelevant.

What matters is that feminism, distilled down to its absolute core, is about gender equity. The goal of feminism is to create a society in which individuals’ genders don’t restrict them from an equitable shot at success and happiness.

Most feminists actively disagree with the belief that women are better than men and think that feminists who are anti-men are going against the fundamental principles of feminism, which says we’re all deserving and worthy human beings – women, men, trans* - and should be treated as such.

So man-hating isn’t a part of that goal. It’s an unfortunate reactionary sentiment bought into by some people (misandrists) who also identify with the feminist movement.

A lot of people get drunk in college, but we know that college is more than a big drinking club, right? Isn’t it? Maybe I attended the wrong college.

#2 Because People Have Been Told Feminists Hate Men for 200+ Years

The whole “feminists hate men” thing has been tossed around for quite a long time now. It’s not new. The first “feminist” women who began advocating for equal status of women in the US did so in the late 1700′s, but it didn’t really pick up steam until the late 1800′s.

What crazy radical things were these man-haters asking for? Primarily, the rights to own property, to attend college, and to vote.

In response to these requests, they were were labeled as anti-family, anti-God, anti-men radical hedonists. That labeling has continued to today, because — surprise! — a group with a lot of power (men) tends to do whatever it can to maintain that power (dismiss equal rights as radical).

It’s happened with every oppressed ethnic group (from the Irish to the Africans) that’s immigrated the country. It happened with oppressed religious groups (from the Catholics to the Muslims). And it continues today with the oppressed gender group.

Why do people believe it if it’s not true?

Because people are irrational. One of the ways I know this is true because there’s an entire book written about it. An example of how we act irrationally is called diagnosis bias.

A particularly fascinating study showed that the smallest change in the way you describe someone can completely alter the way you perceive their behavior. How about an example?

A university class (unknowing lab rats) had a substitute professor. To introduce the professor, the class members were given short bios. What they didn’t know was that half the bios had been very slightly altered (e.g., exchanging warm, positive adjectives for cold, callous ones).

After the lecture, the students were asked to review the professor. The entire class saw the same man say the same things, yet the reviews were split 50/50 positive and negative. Half the class said he was personable, considerate, and engaged, while the other half said he was ruthless, would do anything for success, and didn’t care about students or people.

The smallest change in the way someone is described can make a dramatic change in the way you interpret their behavior and demeanor.

Now, hypothetically speaking, imagine how twisted the perceptions would have been if the students were told the professor was a student-hating, self-serving, radical hedonist.

Oh wait.

#3 Because Most Men Aren’t Bad But Think Feminism Says They Are

Let me bust a few myths.

Being a feminist doesn’t mean you believe “all men are rapists.” This quote comes from a book by Marilyn French and it seems to be recited more by anti-feminists (as a means of debunking feminism) than feminists themselves. It’s simply a ridiculous statement that’s been given a ridiculous amount of airtime.

Being a feminist doesn’t mean you think all men are evil. Following up on the last point, a lot of anti-feminist folks make the argument that feminists believe all men are evil. This is not true.

Being a feminist doesn’t mean you blame every individual man you know for hundreds of years of oppressive behavior. Just like you wouldn’t point at a random White person today and blame them for slavery, you can’t blame an individual man today for a history of sexism.

A lot of people think about the things above, think about the men they know (or, if they are men, they think about themselves), and think “That’s ridiculous, ____ isn’t an evil rapist who is responsible for hundreds of years of sexism.”

A lot of people are right.

The thing feminism thinks is bad is the hundreds of years of sexism part, as well as the existence of sexism today. Sexism is the problem — sexism that a lot of men engage in and a lot of women internalize.

Men engage in sexism because they’ve been taught to behave/think that way. Women internalize it for the same reason.

Feminism asks both men and women to critically think about those normalized behavior and its impact, and holds people accountable to sexist thinking and behavior even if they didn’t initially realize it was sexist.

So yes, it’s natural to get defensive when someone brings up feminist issues because it’s likely you never thought you were doing anything wrong. Does that make sexist behavior acceptable? No.

That’s why we need to do a better job as a society to teach people how to treat each other with equity. That’s what feminism is trying to do here.

#4 Because Some Feminists Aren’t Willing To Address Men’s Issues (Though Some Are)

Working towards gender equity means equity for all genders, right? Then what about men? And what about trans* folks? This is a question that often gets raised by men (about men, not as much for trans* folk).

Feminism in general has mixed feelings about addressing men’s (and trans*) issues.

I’ll be the first person to admit that there are a lot of gender-based men’s issues to address. Like why young men today are less likely to graduate from college, attain a high GPA, be active in extracurricular organizations or seek leadership roles; or why men in general have always been more likely to be caught up in the criminal justice system or be homeless. These are real issues, surely, and things our society should work to correct.

But do many feminists ignore these issues because they hate men? No.

The mixed feelings about addressing men’s issues tend to stem from the fact that “men’s issues” tends to be the default in our society. We’re a male dominant society.

Many feminists are concerned that addressing men’s issues (or gender issues as a broad goal) will move the conversation completely away from women’s issues, resulting in no progress for the women’s part of the gender progress.

So instead they focus on women’s issues and allow others to focus on other’s issues. Many feminists would like to see pro-feminist men tackle men’s issues in a way that doesn’t blame women and feminism for all their problems (like MRA’s).

However, it’s worth noting that we here at Everyday Feminism are both men- and trans*-inclusive. We take an intersectional approach to feminism and look at how different groups of genders, sexual orientations, races, classes, and more are dominated in our society. Our inclusive approach is a big part of our popularity – i.e. a lot of feminists are also inclusive.

#5 Because Sensationalism Is a Good Way To Distract From Real Issues

It’s pretty messed up that being born a certain way means you’re going to be less likely to earn as much money, achieve the same tier of success, be treated with respect and fairness, be elected into political office… but those restrictions are objectively measurable.

Those issues mentioned above affect just about every identity group in the US other than people who are White and male (and straight, non-disabled, etc.) — like me!

Instead of dealing with inequality and giving up a bit of unearned power, it’s far more fruitful to change the conversation and put the oppressed group on the defensive.

Blacks are more likely to be imprisoned because being a criminal is part of being black. Have fun arguing about that while we enjoy our unfairly granted innocent verdicts.

Gays can’t be given rights to form families because being a child molester is part of being gay. Go ahead and re-read all of those nonsensical studies and commission some more while we enjoy our access to 1,138 benefits granted solely to married couples.

Women don’t earn as much as men because earning a lower wage for the same work is part of being a woman. Oh, and babies. Don’t forget, you make the babies. What a miracle! That should be payment enough.

Social change is slow because the people in power are the ones writing the narrative, and they often choose a distracting narrative.

Did you know that up until the early 20th century there was an actual medical condition called “female hysteria” (yes, “hyster,” as in hysterectomy, or pertaining to the uterus)?

Some of the symptoms of female hysteria: loss of appetite, nervousness, irritability, fluid retention, emotional excitability, outbursts of negativity, excessive sexual desire and “a tendency to cause trouble.”

In other words, if a woman wasn’t eating, was eating too much, was angry, happy, wanted to have sex, or wanted equal rights for women (you trouble causers, you!), she was mentally ill and her behavior could be dismissed as such.

Guess who came up with that idea? You guessed it! White dudes.

Am I Trying To Bring the White Man Down?

No. I am a White man. That wouldn’t serve me well at all.

What I’m trying to do, and what feminism is trying to do, is bring the woman up.

While an understandable response to this idea for men is a defensive one, considering so many of the bad things in history have been caused by men (by so many, I mean, like, all of them). That’s also a positive response, because it means you’re accessing empathy.

You don’t want to be seen as the “bad guy” (what a misandristic term!). You don’t hate women. You’ve never oppressed women. Of course you haven’t. Oppression doesn’t happen on the individual level.

But it happens. And as a man, particularly one who is White (like me!), you are granted a lot of privileges that stem from hundreds of years of oppression. You get that privilege whether you choose to have them or not.

The only choice you get is what you do with your privilege.

Do you use it to make for a more equitable society for ~~mothers, sisters, and daughters you love~~ all human beings, of all genders?

Or do you keep whining about how feminists hate men and distracting yourself and others from serious issues of inequality?

Your call.

Gender Inequality: Equal Education, Unequal Pay

Sam Killermann — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 21:54:26 +0000

This fantastic graphic was created and emailed to me by LearnStuff.com. Big thanks to them for sharing!

30+ Examples of Male Privilege

Sam Killermann — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 20:49:04 +0000

Following is a list of male privileges. If you are male (and a man), listed below are benefits that result from being born with that gender and sex. If you identify as a man, there’s a good chance you’ve never thought about these things. Try and be more cognizant of these privileges in your daily life and you’ll understand how much work we have to do to make for a society that is equitable to all people, regardless of their gender.

If you have a bad day or are in a bad mood, people aren’t going to blame it on your sex
You can be careless with your money and now have people blame it on your sex
You can be a careless driver and not have people blame it on your sex
You can be confident that your coworkers won’t assume you were hired because of your sex
If you are never promoted, it isn’t because of your sex
You can expect to be paid equitably for the work you do, and not paid less because of your sex
If you are unable to succeed in your career, that won’t be seen as evidence against your sex in the workplace
A decision to hire you won’t be based on whether or not the employer assumes you will be having children in the near future
Work comfortably (or walk down a public street) without the fear of sexual harassment
Walk alone at night without the fear of being raped or otherwise harmed
Go on a date with a stranger without the fear of being raped
Dress how you want and not worry you it will be used as a defense if you are raped
If you are straight, you are not likely to be abused by your partner, or to be told to continue living in an abusive household for your children
You can decide not to have children and not have your masculinity questioned
If you choose to have children, you will praised for caring for your children, instead of being expected to be the full-time caretaker
Balance a career and a family without being called selfish for not staying at home (or being constantly pressured to stay at home)
If you are straight and decide to have children with your partner, you can assume this will not affect your career
If you rise to prominence in an organization/role, no one will assume it is because you slept your way to the top
You can seek political office without having your sex be a part of your platform
You can seek political office without fear of your relationship with your children, or who you hire to take care of them, being scrutinized by the press
Most political representatives share your sex, particularly the higher-ups
Your political officials fight for issues that pertain to your sex
You can ask for the “person in charge” and will likely be greeted by a member of your sex
As a child, you were able to find plenty of non-limiting, gender role stereotyped media to view
You can not care about your appearance without worrying about about being criticized at work or in social situations
You can spend time on your appearance without having people criticizing you for upholding unhealthy gender norms
If you’re not conventionally attractive (or in shape), you don’t have to worry as much about that negatively affecting your potential
You are not pressured by peers and society to be thin as much as the opposite sex
You’re not expected to spend excessive amounts of money on grooming, style, and appearance to fit in, while making less money than the opposite sex
Have promiscuous sex and be viewed positively for it
You can go to a car dealership or mechanic and assume you’ll get a fair deal and not be taken advantage of
Expressions and conventional language reflects your sex (e.g., mailman, “all men are created equal”)
Every major religion in the world is led by individuals of your sex
You can practice religion without subjugating yourself or thinking of yourself as less because of your sex
You are less likely to be interrupted than members of the opposite sex
Leave more examples in the comments below.

50+ concrete things you can do today to make for a more socially just tomorrow

Sam Killermann — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 05:34:41 +0000

buy this

Social justice — the idea that everyone in a society, regardless of the identities they embody, can have an equitable shot at success and happiness — is a goal that seems unrealistic for many people. “It’s a pipe dream, Sam,” they say, smugly. “Life isn’t rainbows and butterflies,” they say, adorably.

To achieve social justice we will have to break down a lot of huge barriers that exist on a scale far above the individual, but even the biggest scale change is nothing more than the sum of a whole lot of individual efforts. My goal with this site is to support you in doing just that: making big change on an individual level.

Following are a whole lot of individual efforts you can make today that will be significant steps toward that biggest scale change we need for a socially just tomorrow.

Read through this entire list, acquaint yourself with the breadth of options before diving in

Raising awareness: it’s hard to fix a problem you don’t know exists
Learn about how diversity and intersections of identity work
Read Peggy McIntosh’s “Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” of White Privilege
Read 30+ Examples of Cisgender Privilege
Read 30+ Examples of Male Privilege
Read 30+ Examples of Heterosexual Privilege
Read 30+ Examples of Christian Privilege
Read 30+ Examples of Middle-to-Upperclass Privilege
Write an essay listing and addressing all of the societal privilege you have (feel free to email it to me)
Learn about how gender is much more than male and female
And learn how sexual orientation works for those non-binary gender folks
Discuss what your gender means to you with a friend you perceive to have the same gender, and one whose gender is different
Read how to avoid being a stereotype
And learn why positive stereotypes aren’t positive
Write a list of all the stereotypes (positive and negative) you can think of for a social group
Have a focused conversation with someone who doesn’t share one of your privileged identities about their experience
Repeat #15 with all of your privileged identities (e.g., White, straight, man or cisgender, middle-to-upper class, non disabled, Christian)

Developing competency: learning how to educate and intervene
Practice these 5 best practices of effective social justice work
Oh, and consider these 10 tips for thickening your skin to handle the emotional drain
Take a free online college social justice course, like this one from the British Columbia Teachers Federation
Sign up for mailing lists from social justice publications to get new learning material in your inbox (sidebar on the right for mine)
Introduce the idea of “social justice” to someone who’s never heard the term
Teach someone when it is okay to say the word gay
And explain why “non-straight” isn’t a good alternative to the word “gay”
Talk to social justice educators about their stories and reasons for doing the work (here’s one of mine)
Comment on a social justice focused article you read and ask for a clarification of a point you didn’t understand
Learn how to respond if someone uses non-inclusive (bigoted) language
Practice different responses to various forms of non-inclusive language with a friend
Attend a social justice seminar/conference in your area (use Google, or comment below to find one)
Learn how to explain that bisexuality is real, not just “a step between gay and straight”
Write an essay analyzing one of your privileged identities, like this one on straightness
Understand that there is a difference between political correctness and being inclusive
Ask for feedback from others on your approaches to social justice work
Implement that feedback in meaningful ways in future endeavors

Taking action: small decisions that can lead to big shifts of progress
Share all of the things you learned from this list with your social groups and networks
Stop following the golden rule, and follow the platinum rule instead
Make sure your school, business, org, etc. has gender-inclusive forms
Use person-centered language, remembering that any aspect of a person is just that: an aspect of a person
Remember that being an ally or social justice advocate is a full-time gig — there are no breaks or vacations
Confront a friend or family member when they use non-inclusive language
Confront a stranger when they use non-inclusive language
Understand that intentions are less important than outcomes, and hold yourself accountable
Set a maximum number of hypocritical acts you’ll allow yourself per day, and hold yourself to this.
Lower the number of hypocritical acts you allow yourself by one after a successful month.
Incorporate one of these 5 ways of making the world more trans-friendly into your life
Use the term “partner” instead of boyfriend or girlfriend
Support businesses that support social justice
Sign on to support a cause at TakePart.com, or volunteer to help a local cause
Use your privilege in one area to lift the status of an underprivileged group: donate money, write a blog, organize a rally, start a peer training program
Build your own world
Comment below with another concrete way you can work for social justice.

Refer the show to a college, get $100

Sam Killermann — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 21:22:44 +0000

Check out the graphic below, share it on Facebook and Twitter, and let me know if you have any questions. I’ll love you forever if you consider spreading the word (but, then again, I’ll love you anyhow).

A few helpful links for would-be show promoters: What’s the Show About?, Praise & Reactions, Pricing & Contracts

FAQ (forecasted asked questions):

When do I get my dollars?

Once we have a signed contract between me and the school booking the show, I’ll send you a check (or a large jar of pennies).

Is there a limit to the amount of schools I can refer?

Is there a limit to the amount of hugs you can give sad-looking strangers? The answer: no.

Can I do this if I work for the school that books you?

This is an ethical quandary, for sure. I’ll let you decide what the appropriate answer is.

Can I do this if I’m a student at the school that books you?

Absolutely. Consider yourself an It’s Pronounced Metrosexual ambassador.

Anything I’m missing?

Ask it in the comments below and I’ll update this list.

30+ Examples of Middle-to-Upper Class Privilege

Sam Killermann — Sat, 27 Oct 2012 01:36:14 +0000

Following is a list of middle-to-upper class privileges. If you are a member of the middle class or upper class economic groups (or, in some cases, perceived to be) listed below are benefits that may be granted to you based on your group membership — benefits not granted to folks in the lower class. The goal of the list is to help folks who have access to these privileges be more cognizant of their privilege, encouraging better understanding of class-based difference in our society.

Politicians pay attention to your class, and fight for your vote in election seasons.
You can advocate for your class to politicians and not have to worry about being seen as looking for a handout.
You can readily find accurate (or non-caricatured) examples of members your class depicted in films, television, and other media.
New products are designed and marketed with your social class in mind.
If you see something advertised that you really want, you will buy it.
You can swear (or commit a crime) without people attributing it to the low morals of your class.
If you find yourself in a legally perilous situation, you can hire an attorney to ensure your case is heard justly.
You can talk with your mouth full and not have people attribute this to the uncivilized nature of your social class.
You can attend a “fancy” dinner without apprehension of doing something wrong or embarrassing the hosts.
You understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy food, and can choose to eat healthy food if you wish.
You can walk around your neighborhood at night without legitimate concern for your safety.
In the case of medical emergency, you won’t have to decide against visiting a doctor or the hospital due to economic reasons.
You have visited a doctor for a “check-up.”
Your eyesight, smile, and general health aren’t inhibited by your income.
If you become sick, you can seek medical care immediately and not just “hope it goes away.”
If you choose to wear hand-me-down or second-hand clothing, this won’t be attributed to your social class, and may actually be considered stylish.
You can update your wardrobe with new clothes to match current styles and trends.
As a kid, you were able to participate in sports and other extracurricular activities (field trips, clubs, etc.) with school friends.
As a kid, your friends’ parents allowed your friends to play and sleep over at your house.
You don’t have to worry that teachers or employers will treat you poorly or have negative expectations of you because of your class.
The schools you went to as a kid had updated textbooks, computers, and a solid faculty.
Growing up, college was an expectation of you (whether you chose to go or not), not a lofty dream.
Your decision to go or not to go to college wasn’t based entirely on financial determinants.
People aren’t surprised if they realize you are intelligent, hard-working, or honest.
An annual raise in pay at your job is measured in dollars, not cents.
You’ve likely never looked into a paycheck advance business (e.g., “Check Into Cash”), and have definitely never used one.
You are never asked to speak for all members of your class.
Whenever you’ve moved out of your home it has been voluntary, and you had another home to move into.
It’s your choice to own a reliable car or to choose other means of transportation.
Regardless of the season, you can count on being able to fall asleep in a room with a comfortable temperature.
When you flip a light switch in your house, you don’t have to wonder if the light will come on (or if your utilities have been terminated).
People don’t assume you’ve made an active choice to be in your social class, but instead assume you’re working to improve it.
The “dream” of a house, a healthy family, and a solid career isn’t a dream at all, but simply a plan.
People do not assume based on the dialect you grew up speaking that you are unintelligent or lazy.
When you choose to use variants of language (e.g., slang terms) people chalk them up to plasticity in the language (rather than assuming your particular dialectical variants deserve redicule and punishment).
[leave a comment below with another example!]

You Soup: understanding diversity and the intersections of identity

Sam Killermann — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 19:17:50 +0000

In doing the work I do, I often find myself struggling to help people make sense of the two extremes of identity: on one side we have the idea that people in a group are all the same (stereotypes); while the other side supports this idea that everyone is absolutely unique (snowflakes).

I find myself saying “we’re not the same, but we’re also not that different,” to the furrowing of brows, so I wanted to take a moment here to talk about the relationship of individual identity and social group memberships, as well as introduce a new graphic concept.

The Snowflake vs. The Stereotype

You have been told all your life that you’re unique, you’re special, like a snowflake. Nobody is like you, you’re one in 7 billion (or one in 108 billion, an estimated total number of humans ever, if you want to get technical), and nobody can take that away from you.

Yet at the same time you’ve been told that you can guess that someone else will be like everyone else in a particular group based on their membership in that group (e.g., a gay person will be like gay people). And in your life you’ve seen evidence that supports this idea.

So which is true?

Both. Kinda.

You’re Part Snowflake

You, at a basic level, are a combination of dozens (or more) of identities that merge to form one unique individual. Some of these identities were granted to you at birth (e.g., race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality), others were imposed on or ascribed to you as a child (e.g., socioeconomic status, geographical location, education), some are your choice throughout life (e.g., religivon, hobbies, career), and some aren’t (e.g., ability status, identities falsely assumed of you by others).

Take all of your identities, add them up, and you get you. There has likely never been another person, in all the 108 billion of Earth’s history, whose You Soup ingredient list has been the same as yours. Deeeelish.

But You’re Part Stereotype

Calm down, Snowflake. Gimme a second here. Remember all those identities I talked about before? Each one of those has a long list of stereotypes attached to it — expectations we make of people based on their group identities. This affects you in two distinct ways.

One, in situations where one of those identities is salient (a fancy word we use to mean “particularly prominent”), folks will tend to ascribe the stereotypes of that identity to you, whether you’re expressing them or not, or be hyper sensitive to anything you might do to reinforce those stereotypes. And if people see you as a stereotypical X, they will treat you like a stereotypical X.

Two, many of us unknowingly act out stereotypes of group identities we possess, or are drawn (knowingly or subconsciously) to particular groups based on certain stereotypes. Further, some folks act in stereotypical ways when figuring out their identity because they feel like they should (this is called internalizing oppression).

So as much as you know you’re a fully unique You Soup, in many situations throughout your life you will only be seen as one or two commonplace ingredients (Rhubarb if you’re lucky, because that’s fun to say).

Why this sucks.

You know you’re not one ingredient, you’re a unique flavor that could only be created by a combination of all of your ingredients, in exactly the right proportions (which, if you’re Paula Dean, would be a proportion of 2:1, butter to everything else). Yet many times in your life you’re going to be viewed as a one-ingredient dish.

You also know that other people are just as unique, yet whether you realize it or not, you’re constantly seeing them as one-ingredient concoctions as well, and if that one ingredient is one you’ve heard nothing but bad things about, you’ll probably never even taste them and learn their true flavor okay this analogy is getting gross.

Why this rocks.

As you start forcing yourself to realize that everyone is made up of dozens and dozens of different ingredients, many of which make up a part of your You Soup, you’ll realize something reality-shaking: even though you’re completely unique, you’re really not unique (you’re a unique combination of common ingredients), and that can be awesome.

It’s awesome to know that every person you meet probably shares at least one identity with you, a form of common ground. It’s comforting to know that there are other people out there who know your plight, or have shared in your experiences. In this way, these big-picture group identities are wonderful to have.

Three big takeaways to mull over:

Okay, so you understand the idea of You Soup, and you have a better idea of how we can be absolutely unique and not absolutely unique, all at the same time. Here’s some food for thought as you continue to chew on this idea okay yes I’m a little addicted to this analogy:

Even though you may share a group identity with someone, you don’t necessarily know their story. Ever noticed how some foods taste better with other foods in the same bite (like how cheese makes broccoli edible?). Identities are the same way: the combinations make a huge difference.
Even though you may share a group identity with someone, you don’t necessarily know their story. Sorry, this is incredibly important so I felt I had to say it twice.
Be careful deconstructing a person (or yourself) down to the individual ingredients. While this will be a great learning experience and eye-opening in many ways, for every ingredient you know about there is likely one you don’t (this goes for yourself, but more so for others), and those secret ingredients might have the biggest impact of all.
Try to have a relationship with an entire person, not with one of their identities. You are inevitably going to be drawn to certain ingredients in others, but a healthier relationship is one that is holistically inclusive of all identities.

Have something to add? Share it in a comment below.

I love reading the comments on the site and using them to improve the articles, so please don’t be bashful. Actually, bash as fully as you want.

How to explain that bisexuality (or pansexuality) is real

Sam Killermann — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 20:24:58 +0000

This is a second-part response to an email I received from a high school senior (it’d probably help contextualize if you read her email first). Here I am going to focus on the struggle many bisexual and pansexual folks have convincing their straight (or gay/lesbian) peers that bisexuality is an identity, not just a stopping point between two others. While I’m focusing this article on advice for bi- and pansexual folks, some of it applies to all sexuality discussions.

I have three main approaches you can take below, but I’d love to hear suggestions for more ways to breach this subject in the comments below.

1. Point out that not only does bisexuality and pansexuality exist, but everyone you know is probably at least a little bi-, whether they’ll admit/realize it or not.

You can point this out to them a number of ways.

Alfred Kinsey’s research on sexuality is one way, as it demonstrates quantitatively that most folks are not absolutely heterosexual or homosexual, but somewhere in between, but not the way I’d recommend (other research shows people tend to get even more holed up in their beliefs when challenged with research, so you might be affecting more regress than progress).

Another way you can demonstrate your peers bisexuality is more fun, but can be considered “jilting” and might push folks a bit too far outside their comfort zones if not done well, so proceed with care and ask for help. Sexuality is commonly broken into three spheres: physical, emotional, and romantic. Odds are they have experienced attraction to members of the same sex in one of those spheres.

Show the young men pictures of two shirtless men, one “hottie” and one “nottie” (ditto the young women, but maybe non-shirtless) and have them decide which person is more attractive. Ask them if they ever get joy/pleasure from touching members of the same sex (i.e., hugs, high-fives, handshakes, not handjobs). Ask them who they have the closest emotional relationships to, or who they enjoy spending quality time with.

Ultimately, the idea here is to help your peers realize that sexuality (aka “attraction”) is about much more than just doin’ it, and they’ve likely experienced that attraction, in some way, to members of their sex (or, if they are queer, members of the sex/gender to which they aren’t “attracted”). With this realization, and with some hope, folks will start to get a better picture of the complexities of sexuality and attraction, and realize that just because they can’t understand something (e.g., bi-/pansexuality) it doesn’t mean they can’t respect it.

2. Talk about what bisexuality and pansexuality mean to you.

Yes, this likely requires you to come out to your peers; no, I’m not telling you you need to do this. This is something you should do only when you’re ready, because even if you’ve come out to a number of social circles in your life, coming out to your class might be tantamount to coming out to your entire school, which, if Glee has taught me anything, isn’t much easier now than it was when I was in high school.

However, people tend to relate to individual stories, particularly if those stories belong to people they already know and trust. Sharing a class or workplace or mutual friendship with someone, particularly if it has a history of discussion of sensitive issues, fosters at least a small amount of trust.

Explain your experience with your own bi- or pansexuality. What does attraction mean to you? How do you reconcile in yourself what seems to many to be an impossible concept? Talk about your first realizations of your sexuality, and how you came to make sense of it yourself. All of this and more will help someone understand a journey they will not likely ever experience themselves. (note: all these steps can be applied — though not as effectively — second-hand if you aren’t bi- or pan- yourself, but have a close friend who is)

3. Don’t do anything at all.

Just because you’re pansexual doesn’t mean you have to be PANSEXTRO: STUDENT BY DAY, SOCIAL JUSTICE SUPER HERO BY… well, ALSO DAY! What I mean to say, Pansextro, is that you shouldn’t feel individually and personally responsible for educating everyone you encounter about queer issues ‘cuz you happen to have been born into that group. Living with that responsibility on your shoulders is a heavy way to live, so, please, take my permission to not.