Nobody Remembers the Pizza Comic

Bradlee DeanBradlee Dean, heavy metal rocker slash minister, recently alluded that the Muslims who were calling for execution of gays are “more moral” than Christians (read about it at the Huffington Post).

He’s since backtracked a lot, and wishy-washied, and etc.  But it’s as apparent how he truly feels as it is how bad he is at playing politics.

I sent him an email.  It’s below.  Discuss.


Dear Bradlee,

I heard about the whole Rachel Maddow thing.  Bummer.  Here’s the deal: the context, the specific wordings, the supposed omissions — they don’t matter.  You think homosexuality is a sin, and whether or not you want gay people dead (you do), you’re already mislead.  Allow me to set you straight.

Get my book!
From the one picture I’ve seen of you, I can tell you have some pretty impressive sideburns and at least a couple half-sleeve tattoos. Now, I think we would both agree it would be silly to call for your execution because you trim your hair (Leviticus 19:27) or put tattoo marks on yourself (Leviticus 19:28).  So why would you worry about Leviticus 18:22 or 20:13 (do not lie with another man)?

We all know Leviticus gets a bit intense.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be the guy to tell every NFL player he’s a sinner doomed to hell because he’s tossed around the ol’ pig skin (Leviticus 11:8).  Those guys are big.  And sinners.

But hey, maybe you’re more of a Genesis guy.

I might go out on a limb and guess that you’ve “wasted [your] seed on the ground” (tubesock) at least a few times.  Uh oh — execution time, buddy (Genesis 38:9-10).  But I bet you’re not even worried about that (they’re just words, right?).  Fire away!

No, if I had to guess, I’d pin you down as a “Sodomite” guy.  I mean to say I bet that’s the story you draw from when you preach the anti-gay Gospel.  Sorry if you misunderstood.  Is that it?  That’s fair.  It’s both a fun word (sometimes I yell it like Gandalf: “You shall not SODOMIZE”), and a commonly misunderstood story.  I’m sure you know it (you’ve read the Bible, right?), but I’ll synopsize just in case.

The people of Sodom are being hardcore sinners.  God decides to give them one last chance.  Sends in a couple of undercover angels (not Cam, Drew, or Lucy — first mistake) to look for just 10 righteous people in the city.  If they find them, God will give the city a pass.  The angels are taken in for some old-fashioned hospitality by a cool dude named Lot, but the rest of men in the city aren’t happy about the strangers.  They gather around Lot’s house and demand he send the angels out so they may “know” them.  “Know”, translated from the Hebrew word “Yada,” has been understood to mean “violently gang rape to death.”  God wasn’t happy with what happened (obviously), so he destroyed the city.

Now, if you’re like other people I’ve talked to, you’ve somehow managed to convince yourself (and actually believe) that God was more concerned with the idea of a penis entering a man’s anus than the idea of an angry mob violently murdering two innocent angels.  Rape (man-on-man and man-on-woman) was a practiced form of degradation back then (still is); JuicyCampus hadn’t been invented yet.  What happened wasn’t motivated by gay (two people of the same sex who love one another), it was motivated by hate.

But that’s all Old Testament stuff, you’re right.  What did Jesus have to say about homosexuality?  That’ll really settle this.  Dude had a lot to say (and other dudes had a lot to say about him).  Surely the New Testament was ripe with “Jesus says burn the gays” imagery.

Sorry to disappoint you again, but that’s just not the case.  Jesus never mentions homosexuality.  He was more concerned with preaching that we should be compassionate, minimalistic, and kind.  Sorry, dude, looks like you’re out.

In case you aren’t following, let me synopsize this all really quick for you.  The Old Testament had a hardcore procreation slant.  All of the laws add up to say “don’t screw with your body, don’t screw with animals or dangerous stuff, just screw each other and make, like, so many babies.”  And the Jesus didn’t have an opinion on homosexuality one way or the other, but we can probably assume he wouldn’t be pro-mass-execution.

We have over 7 BILLION people on this planet.  Trust me, we don’t need to worry about procreating any more.  If God had known we’d be this good at doing each other, he probably wouldn’t have made it so fun.  Oh, perhaps he did know, and that’s why he gave us Grindr.

It’s never too late to find Jesus.  If not, enjoy your sinnin’, brotha.

Peace,

Samuel

P.S. I didn’t mean to rub my fine Biblical name in your misspelled mid-19th century Old English name’s face.

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An open letter to Bradlee Dean (and all Biblical literalists who label homosexuality as sin) shares